| | Anorexia is not a game. Don't get into it.
So...you think starving is a good way to lose weight, do you? I think
you've read too many fairy tales. Well, this isn't one. Neither are
eating disorders. They are sheer & total hell. But, since you want
one, I'll go ahead & prep you for it. I'll let you know exactly
what will happen to you. If this doesn't make you realize how
completely stupid running out there & trying to develop anorexia
is, then I wish you the best of luck in killing yourself. Because
that's all you'll be doing.
The completely ironic part about people trying to lose weight by
starving is that half the time it does not work. I bet you think you'll
wind up insanely thin & gorgeous, right? Wrong. You won't be
gorgeous & you might actually GAIN weight. One thing's for certain
though. Insane is a definite part of the package. Your mind won't be
yours anymore. Kiss it goodbye, I hope you didn't enjoy it.
The less you eat, the lower your metabolism goes. You might starve
& starve & barely lose anything...or you might be extra
lucky...you might starve & starve & gain weight. Your body
might just shut itself down & the weight go nowhere. & even
though you aren't losing, you'll still be hooked. You still won't be
able to stop. By the time your body shuts off from malnutrition, you'll
be too far in it to *snap* think "Oh...this isn't working...I think
I'll eat again." No...you'll be desperate & eat less & less
& work out more and more. Eventually, you won't be ABLE to work
out. Your muscles will eventually stop cooperating. Then you'll panic
& try & eat even less to compensate for not being able to work
your ass off (simply a figure of speech, since you're not losing any
weight, of course). By then you can't eat less though. You're barely
eating enough to stay alive as it is. & you can't stop. It isn't
working & you still can't stop. & whether its working or not,
you won't see the truth. You'll never actually know what you look like.
Nope...no matter what you'll think you must weigh at least four hundred
pounds. This is true if you weigh 150 or if you weigh 70. You will be
fat. Insane is the proper term for it, isn't it? Yes, you might just be
one of the lucky ones, one of the ones that doesn't lose weight. But
don't sit there & think that means you won't be sick. Not
true...not true at all. Your skin & hair will be dry, your teeth
sore, your period gone, your bones aching, your muscles
cramping...well, no need to go on. You still want this, of course.
After all, you won't be like that. You won't be one of the failures.
You'll be successful; you'll be thin & perfect. Beautiful.
Well, since you're going to win, why don't I tell you about your prize,
hmm?? It’s quite nice. You will be skinny. You will be sickly thin.
Your ribs will stand out & your hipbones will be sharp. You won't
see it. You'll look in the mirror & see fat. You'll see rolls.
You'll look at girls who weight fifty pounds more than you & wonder
why you can't be as thin as they are. You'll look in the mirror
everyday & swear that you've gained at least ten pounds. Other
people will see you shrink but you won't get to watch. You'll never see
the truth. Others will though. You'll be sickly skinny...but you won't
be pretty. & they'll all see that. You won't though...you'll be too
busy staring at your ass & wondering when you turned into your fat
Aunt Bertha. You will not be attractive. You won't. You'll have huge
dark circles. Your skin will be pasty pale & have a lovely gray
tint to it. Makeup will NOT help this. It won't, so don't think it
will. Don't even bother to attempt it. You'll be wasting your time;
time that could be better spent doing your usual pastime, staring into
the pantry to watch the food. Of course, people might not notice that
you're gray. They could be too busy staring at the dark black, blue,
& purple spots you're covered in. Everything you do will result in
a bruise. Everything. Do you have pretty hair? You won't anymore. It
will be straw dry & dull. It will not shine. Think conditioner will
help? It won't. It won't & there's no sense in trying it. It might
soften your hair for a while (after you use half the bottle, of course)
but it won't make your hair look any better. Buy a ponytail holder.
You'll need it. You'll probably be wearing it all the time. You'll also
need some hair dye. I sincerely hope your hair isn't a nice
color....because it won't be soon. Yes...the color of your hair will
fade out. You might even get grays. But gray is a nice color, isn't it?
I rather like it. I think the grayish brown color where my natural red
and blonde highlights used to be adds a bit of...oh...dignity to my
look. Speaking of hair, do you like facial hair? I hope so. You'll have
it. I have some lovely sideburns. Quite gorgeous. Actually, I have sexy
hair everywhere. Fuzz, fuzz, fuzz. It’s hot. All the guys love it and
all the girls I know ask how to get some. They're jealous, you know. I
tell them how I got it, starving. They never attempt it...I know why
though. Its not because they're smart & healthy...no, no. Its
because they're weak. Not strong like me. Of course, my muscles are
deteriorating as we speak & I can no longer use even my five pound
weights but I'm still strong, aren't I? Yes...because I don't eat.
& that's true strength, isn't it? Denying yourself the basic fuel
you need for life. Yup...strong & smart.
I bet you're one of those girls will the enviable natural nails. Those
shiny ones that are so long people sometimes think they're fake? Cut
them. Go ahead & cut them off now. They'll only break soon anyway.
Kiss your newly gray hair goodbye too. It'll be falling out about now.
You get to clean the drain about 6 times during your shower, just so
the water will go down. Also, you'll need to find a way to throw away
your tampons to make it look as if you've been using them. Remember to
tell your mom to buy you tampons once a month. Can't have her knowing
you lost your period. & you will. I hope you're not having sex
because you'll never know if you’re pregnant or not. I guess you can
just take a test every few weeks. & yes...you can still get
pregnant. I hope you don't love the baby though, because chances are
you'll lose it. It would probably be for the best if you did though
because of the nice birth defects caused by eating disorders. So, you
might get to live with the knowledge that your child died or had to go
through life with a terrible disability because of you...but it was
worth it for thinness. A small price to pay for perfection, even though
you're not the one paying it. Who needs their full mental capabilities
anyway? I hope your kid doesn't. But that might not be a problem. You
might never have children. You might become infertile. Oh
well...pregnancy makes you fat anyway.
I don't enjoy sports. I used to. Not anymore...you won't like them soon
either. Baseball? Nope. You won't be able to hit or catch. Goodbye
reflexes & goodbye hand eye coordination. You won't be able to run
enough to play basketball & if you play football you'll break your
hip. Never needed that hip anyway. Your new plastic one will get you
through just fine. Its not like your hip was going to stay intact
forever, not with your shrinking bone mass. But the stooped look is
good. I hope you think so, since you'll probably be sporting it by
thirty. Since you're one of the special ones, one of the anorexic ones,
I'll bet you enjoy ice water. Pour it out. Drink plain water, warm diet
coke. It hurts too badly to drink iced drinks. You're taking sensitive
teeth to a new level. Forget those special toothpastes though. They
don't work when your teeth are slowly dying from vitamin deficiencies.
Never liked those teeth anyway. Dentures are nice. How do you like to
sit? Oh...you like your legs crossed? Hmm...too bad. Can't do that
anymore. Your legs will fall asleep all the way up to your hips.
Painfully asleep. This isn't like what you're used to, that tingly
feeling. This hurts. A word of advice. After uncrossing them, just sit
there. Don't try moving them or hitting them to wake them up. Bad
idea...very painful. Don't stand up either, unless you enjoy
collapsing.
Which would be a good thing, since you'll also be doing that. A new
hobby, falling. Your legs won't like holding you up anymore. Falling
out from under you will be their new favorite activity. They'll like
collapsing. You'll be spending alot of time on the ground. Fainting is
common too. & don't think this is something you can hide. Whenever
you pass out dead in the living room in front of your mom or brother
they'll wonder why...and unless they're complete idiots they'll
probably know why...especially if you're 30 pounds underweight. Get
ready for nagging. Eat this, eat that, why are you doing this to
yourself?? You could always go to your room to escape though. Then you
can lie in bed & bite your lip until it bleeds...why would you want
to do that, do you ask? Because of the leg cramps, of course...oh! I
must've forgotten to mention those! Oooh...the cramps are nice. Your
muscles are balled into excruciating knots. You'll double over to
massage the knots out and...what? There are no knots. There IS no
rubbing the knots out because there are no knots. It just feels like
it. There's nothing you can do. You just get to lie there & try not
to scream. & trust me...you'll want to. Of course, you could always
rub your legs anyway...it might make you feel better to pretend there's
something you can do to help them. But you might not be thinking about
your legs...you might be distracted by the headaches. Take some
aspirin...oooh...or don't. Your tummy's too empty; it'll only make you
throw up everywhere.
Of course, you could always get your mind off the headaches &
cramps by going to the bathroom. It’s quite a novelty; you don't do it
often anymore. Shitting has become a privileged activity. A painful
one, but privileged all the same. Sometimes you'll double over in
pain...& you don't have to be on the toilet to do this. Nope. This
could be in class, bed, in your computer chair. You'll double over as
you feel something extremely painful in your bowels. What is it? Its
shit, that's what. Its shit, grinding like a rock of sandpaper against
your intestines as it slowly moves. This happens again & again.
Finally it manages to shove itself down so you can go to the bathroom.
You make it there, in terrible pain, & take your shit. You get
scared when you wipe your ass, because you see blood. But you don't
tell. Nope, because telling is forbidden, asking for help is evil.
Flush it away & pretend you aren't frightened beyond belief. But
don't worry too much, this won't last forever. That's right, it goes
away...but only because your shit also goes away. That's right, no more
shitting for you. Nope. But wait...if you don't shit, what do you do?
Why, you piss, of course, but not like you're used to. You get to piss
in two ways now. The old way & the new way. Remember where the shit
used to come from? Something else is coming out now. Water. That's
right, water. I'm not talking diarrhea. I'm talking straight water,
exactly as if you were taking a piss out of the usual place, instead of
the new one. This will scare you too. But you still won't tell.
Occasionally a few solids will spray out with it. Rather gross, huh? Oh
well...it’s worth it. Anything's worth it, even your hair, nails,
bones, muscles, possible children, your family's heart, everything.
Sacrifice it all, throw it all away. You're thin now, that's what
counts, even though you don't know it.
You'll probably get chest pains. Maybe heart flutters. This is scary
too, because you never wanted to die, you just wanted to be thin. But
remember, you can't tell. Telling is forbidden & asking for help is
weak.
Do you have problems with depression? You do now. The less you eat the
more depressed you become. Partially from vitamin deficiencies,
partially from your lovely eating disorder. Do you have problems with
insomnia? That's right, you've got that now too. You're exhausted
beyond belief but you still can't fall asleep...& when you do you
can't stay asleep. Who needs sleep though?? Not you. Staying awake
burns more calories anyway. Do you do well in school? You don’t now.
You can’t concentrate. Your mind won’t function, & the only thing
you can actually think about is food anyway. Your grades will fall.
Want to recover? You’ll probably have to leave school. How does
repeating a grade sound? Do you like going out with friends? You won't
for long. You'll be afraid someone might notice how obese you are. You
can't leave the house now without hiding under tons of clothes...you're
terrified someone might see your repulsive body. You'll become more
nervous too. Jittery. You'll also have difficulty talking. Oh...have
you never had a stuttering problem? Well, you do now. You also forget
what you wanted to say alot. Goodbye memory. And you can't go out with
friends anyway, so I guess it’s a good thing you no longer enjoy it. If
you go out with friends they might want to eat! Maybe they'll want to
go to a restaurant or the movies. How can you explain that you don't
want any popcorn? How can you find an excuse for sitting there at the
table sipping Diet Dr. Pepper or nibbling a salad & water while
everyone else has cheeseburgers?? You can't. & they might make you
eat. You can't do that...no. But why do they want you to eat? Is it
because they care? No. Its because they WANT you to be fat!! How dare
they?? They're jealous...that's it, they're jealous. Soon you'll
realize something. Everyone wants you to be fat. Your parents, your
siblings, teachers, friends. The world is against you & they all
want you to spiral into morbid obesity. Get away from them. All of
them. They don't understand & they're plotting your downfall. You
can't have that, you can't lose this. Every time someone urges you to
eat or recover "for your health" you know the truth. They hate you
& want you to be fat. Push them away. Push away all the people who
love you. That's the only way you'll ever be thin.
But one day this will be over. One day you will either die or recover.
Death is easier. First you'll have to admit you need help (that is, on
the chance that you haven't been forced into recovery...recovery that
will not work until you cooperate). This is one of the hardest things
you've ever done. Maybe you'll tell your mom. She might be wonderfully
supportive, she might've already known. Or maybe she won't think you
have a real problem. Then you're on your own. Maybe you'll tell your
doctor. & if you tell your mom, she'll take you to a doctor. Then
its better. You're safe now, they'll help you. They'll understand.
Wrong. A degree is not an insurance against ignorance. & speaking
of insurance, it only pays so much on mental health problems. And ED
treatment costs are outrageous. So, even if you find a doctor that
knows his ass from a hole in the ground you might not be able to get
help. You might not be able to afford it. As you recover, your school
might have to know. Your teachers will not understand. Students might
find out. They won't understand either. Their comments will hurt,
you'll want to scream when they ask why you don't just eat. They might
call you fat just for fun. Someone might start to admire you & try
to become anorexic too...but then, you've been there. You wanted to be
anorexic once & you never realized how stupid you were. You know it
now, but it’s too late. Its too late & you have to fight this or
die...& fighting it is the hardest thing you've ever done. You'll
put food in your mouth, that disgusting, terrible food & panic
& want to cry. Maybe you will cry. Maybe you'll freak & spit it
back out. Maybe you'll refuse to eat & get a lovely feeding tube.
Triggers are everywhere & you want to kill yourself more with each
bite you swallow. Maybe you will kill yourself. Maybe you'll fight
& fight & enter recovery only to die while in recovery or even
afterwards from complications caused by your years of having an eating
disorder. After fighting for the longest time, maybe you will get out.
Maybe, after numerous slip ups & times that where so hard you
thought you'd die, you recover. It takes a while. Even after you've
eaten right for months & months your body still isn't the same. You
start to wonder if it will ever be the same again. It might, but you
won't. No. This will always be a part of you, it will never go away.
Years later it will still be with you, you will still have those
moments. Sometimes you'll pass a mirror & suddenly be 200 pounds
larger. You'll panic & shake your head, trying to clear the image
away. Something will happen in your life, maybe you'll lose your job.
Something will happen to take away your control & you'll try to
gain it back through starving. You will NEVER be the same. You'll see
an article on a someone with an eating disorder & you'll start to
cry, remembering that terrible pain. I'm not talking about the physical
pain. That's the only pain I described, because it’s the only part
that's describable. There are no words for the mental anguish. It can
never be described. It’s unimaginable. You'll never feel another pain
like that, another pain so filled with self loathing, vulnerability,
terror, rage, desolation...
WHY do you want this?? WHY?!? I know, even after reading this, that
you're still sitting there, wanting this. Why? What is it you want?? Is
it beauty? Do you honestly think you won't be like this?? Do you
honestly think malnutrition won't steal your looks? Is it glamour?
. Show me the glamour. Is it control?? Let me tell you, you'll NEVER be
more out of control than you are when you have an eating disorder. You
don't control what you put in your mouth. Hell, you don't even control
your thoughts. You have NO control. None. Do you honestly think that
you'll be able to do this & not wind up this way? Do you think you
are the one person on earth who can control this, who can just stop???
Do you think that maybe you can just do this, get thin, & stop??
WRONG! It doesn’t work that way. Do you WANT to die? Do you want to be
a martyr or something? Do you think this is beautiful? I bet you think
its some sort of tragic beauty. Its not. There's nothing beautiful
about it. Do you want some attention? Buy a new eyeliner, dance naked
in the streets. Needing attention is a natural thing but there are a
hell of alot better ways to get it. Do you want to look at your
family’s faces & know that you're killing them too? Imagine
watching your child killing themselves, imagine your helplessness,
imagine KNOWING that they're dying & KNOWING that there's NOTHING
that you can do. Imagine fearing the day you'll come home to find them
dead from this. Just sit there & try to think about it. Of course,
while you're starving yourself you won't see that anguish. You won't be
able to. You can't see anything, you're too self absorbed. You're too
busy thinking about your weight, about food. You'll see it when you
recover though & you'll hate yourself for doing that to the ones
you love. You'll wish there was something you could do to erase it but
there is nothing. You just have to live with it...& living with it
is hard. Especially when you think of how many times your anger came
out on them, how many times you got nasty when they were only trying to
save your life.
If you do this, one day you will wake up. One day you’ll wake up &
realize how much you wasted. Maybe you’ll realize that you wasted your
teenage years. That you threw away your chance at a normal education,
possibly even college. You tossed prom, homecoming, parties, &
friends out the window. Those times are gone & you can never get
them back. Maybe you’re older, maybe you threw your career away. You’ve
probably screwed your job record completely & there is no erasing
this. You’ll regret this more than anything & there’s nothing you
can do about it….& there’s nothing you can do to get back those
wasted years. & do you know what? You probably won’t even remember
most of what occurred during those years. I don’t.
You probably want this for the beauty, for the thinness. You probably
hate yourself & think this is a way to fix it. Its not. Do you want
to know about self-hate? Do you??? Then go ahead & start starving,
because I can guarantee you that however much you hate yourself now,
it’s nothing, NOTHING, compared with how you'll feel about yourself
once you get in this. You will despise yourself; you'll hate yourself
more than anything. You'll hate yourself more every single day. You're
the lowest scum on the earth. You deserve death but death is too good
for you. You're lower than murderers & rapists. Child molesters are
better than you & no matter what torture you think of, you know for
a fact that you deserve something worse.
But do you know what? Self-hatred is the least of your worries now.
Because you've likely just signed your own death warrant...& you
likely don't even care...yet. But you will. You will care. You will
care & you will cry & rage & swear you'd give anything to
take it all back. But it’s too late, because by the time you're in deep
enough to care, you're already dying. Its too late to snap out of it
now, no matter how much you want to.
This is the reality of anorexia, of NOS-anorexia. It is nothing like
the powerful articles you read on how so & so overcame it. It is
nothing like the beauty you see when you look at that thin model. It is
nothing like that beautiful popular girl who naturally weighs 80lbs. It
is nothing like anything you've ever lived before & you will never
be the same. |
